Grief

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you, If it doesn't kill you in the making (in the first place) - Stephanie Ericsson

Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart - John Adams

While most of emotions have many shades and intensities of feeling, of impact, Grief just has one. And that is Grief. This is one emotion which either you have it or you don’t, there are no milder versions. While the reason for the presence of this emotion may vary in every individual, the intensity of it makes people around even wary of coming closer. This is also one of the emotion which not necessarily everyone would have faced it by now. Many do feel it sometime in their lifetime, but not necessarily.

This emotion is very different from Hurt and Loss in a way that it occurs immediately after the realization of Loss , but lot before we realize we are Hurt. Infact once grief leaves us, then we remain with Hurt. It is the sudden realization within, an acceptance within, of what has already happened in reality outside. There is only one thing that happens exactly at the moment of grief – Damage. And there is only one taste of it – Bitter. In the spectrum of emotions, this emotions stands alone in the dark corner at the end of the spectrum. And this is the emotion which requires only one person. The person himself to feel it.  The other person simply doesn’t has any role to play in it, else everyone will be equally or nearly grieved on death of an individual. But it is the person closest, the person who loved the most, the person who felt the most, and the person whose life will be altered the most, Grieve the most.

Nothing pierces the heart more than the wail of a first time mother loosing her unborn child, or cry of the person holding the other with blood soaked hands , trying to hold firmer onto the last breaths, than the person itself,  or the child being pulled away at the moment when it has known that it will never see the parents ever again, or a lover realizing the sudden death of a love that once was. The outcome of the person who feels the grief ranges from death, to life long silence, to loss of smile to detachment to even sometimes start living again. But the reaction of people around the grieving person is only moist eyes and choking heart. The expression of grief in the form of wail is strong enough to break down the strongest of walls. And if it is expressed through silence, it breaks down the strongest of humans too.

The best way to handle it is as expressed by Hafiz of Persia – “Do not surrender your grief so quickly, Let it cut more deeply, Let it ferment and season you, As few human or divine ingredients can.” Samuel Johnson also says that “While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it “ While most of the emotions alter us, change us in a form that we may not be sure of once they pass, the aftereffects of Grief is only one – More Happiness.  The way to appreciate beauty of day, we need to know the darkness of night, we start appreciating happiness , life more, once we know what grief does to us or possibly can.

But then to not experience Grief and be totally detached comes at a price of not experiencing happiness, love, warmth, sense of security too. Do not go out and seek grief, but if it comes, do not stop breathing either, cos happiness is not far away.  Afterall there is only one lifetime and so many different shades to see, flavors of taste , places to visit and Emotions to feel.

Guilt

Guilt :

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”-   Coco Chanel

“You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.” -   Clive Barker

“Had Adam & Eve not felt the way they felt after eating the apple there would still be a paradise. Among all other dark emotions this one was the first born, followed by Blame, Suspicion & Shame.” – Sujal

 Among all of emotions apart from love, it’s only Guilt that has various hues, various forms and various quantities as well. And the biggest difference it has from all other emotions is that somewhere humans have become master in creating this emotion in others, either by making someone do something, and many a times by not making someone do something and still make them feel Guilty about it.  Majority of us go to graves carrying this and the twin sibling of this – Regret, in ample amounts within us. Among all other emotions this is also one emotion that we experience not at particular age, but since childhood till death. While other dark emotions also have a bitter sweet feeling about them, this one doesn’t has any except if you indulge in retail therapy.

A child still going ahead and eating the chocolate from refrigerator or the last cookie that he was so warned against to , the mid night phone calls of a teenager with the haywire hormones and newly found crush, waking up after a long night sleep when majority of syllabus still pending on the day of exam, the first physical relation with opposite sex, replying back to a mean boss when there is a dire need of the  job , an extra marital affair when there is so much belief into the institution of marriage and blind trust of partner, not being there for the kids in the form they need, not having a career the way it was dreamt and then not having people around during the final days. So many shades and yet the same emotion. So many outcomes and yet the same feeling. So many situations and yet no solution. This is what Guilt does to humans, at times it makes them more human but most of time it teaches to live with it, uncomfortably.

No emotion has been captured by Economies as better as Guilt. Travel, Hotel, Retail, Food & Beverage, Luxury, Religion to name a few industries whose major contributor is this emotion in Humans.  Every other corner at the street offers to absolve us of this feeling that too without both the parties acknowledging the presence of it in first place. Men have travelled far and wide to mend up for the mess they created, not because it was wrong to do in first place, but because they could not live with the guilt of the wrong doing. Some found the cure and were able to free themselves while many ill fateful ones carry it to their graves, still turning inside. Horace Bushnell has truly said that Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow. The mere presence of this emotion is enough to bring down great men to their knees and convert the most materialistic person into the most detached soul.    

But, this emotion is also capable of keeping one out of the moment of being where one is. It makes it tough to sleep with the self at the end of the day, let other even touch you. While it slowly gnaws at the sap of life inside, the only tentative solutions lies, either in rectifying the done, reducing the damage, or accepting the present and forgiving self. So all it takes is to acknowledge that something better can still be done about it, standing up, seeking out and trying our best to amend.

Cos somewhere we all know that though this feeling will never go away, we can only fade it by seeking forgiveness. 

  

Solitude

Solitude :

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” - Mother Teresa

“Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. “  - Paul Johannes Tillich

I realized it big time that opposite of Loneliness is not Companionship. Its “Solitude.” There definitely is a big difference in being Lonely and being Alone. Not everyone is comfortable sleeping in his or her own skin at the end of the day and still wake up the next morning with the same feelings for the self. As Eric Hoffer has said “With some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves.  For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves.” 

So when no man is an island and humans are the most social creatures on the planet earth, why do we require solitude?  Why do we need to try to take a dip into those serene waters time and again? How can we be lost into a world that we are born into and supposed to live in? And why is that the person who enjoys solitude the most is not the person who was looking for it desperately, in the first place?

Because after living so close to someone for quite some time we tend to give away so much of ourselves that we start missing ourselves. Also at times it such happens that the other person is suddenly no longer there in our life. All that is left behind is the absence and ourselves. While we try to come to terms with living with the absence, we somewhere try to find company with ourselves. Not because we love ourselves so much, but because we do not want anyone else to fill the void. Afterall sleeping with self is more infidel than with someone we are not supposed to, and travelling alone is much better than bad companion.

The biggest criteria to feel Solitude is to be comfortable with Self. While we may be alone many a times because of circumstances , we are not always solitary. Its not easy to not to hear anything, not by being deaf , but by actually being silent. Not externally, but within. Which is really tough for a human mind, with its constant thought process, moving from one person to another, one place to another and one past to another. But the moment we are really silent within is the moment we experience Solitude and then starts the reverse flow of energy. From absorption of energy to keep us alive, to creation of energy to spread life, within and around us. Where do we find solitude ? Men have travelled far and wide to seek solitude. To the remotest of mountains, or into the forests, to the deepest of oceans and the origins of rivers, only to find that they have travelled from themselves to themselves. Be it a crowded train station to a flea market to a huge office, to feel Solitude all we need is ourselves.

Many a times we make a mortal mistake of running around, seeking substitutes for the sudden void and the new found loneliness because of absence of an important person from our life. From sleeping around, to making commitments that we never intend to keep, to befriending someone whom we don’t intend to ever open up to, we end up in finding temporary solutions. No more treachery has ever been committed than by a person who feels the absence strongly. Be it by body or even in mind. And just before the point of treason is a point of option that arises where some choose to remain with self and others choose the mirage, with the hope of having the thirst quenched. It is at this vantage point that the strength of character is tested. And precisely at this point the Gold emerges out of fire. Molten, Deformed, scarred and yet more pure than ever. Strong men have been able to choose Solitude but for major mortals like us, we grow into solitude. After knocking many a door, it stumbles upon us when we are most unaware of it, and then opens up a world unknown to us but where we suddenly find ourselves finally at peace with self. Not only does it heal us but it nurtures us and helps us grow too. Into something, that we may not know but we are supposed to. 

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.

Absence

Absence :

 “Absence and death are the same - only that in death there is no suffering.” - Theodore Roosevelt

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."  - Millay, Edna St. Vincent on absence

Loss may take away everything we may have. But it leaves behind one thing for sure – Absence. Nothing makes us loose our focus more than the moment when we miss someone or something. The emotion is so intense that it transports us to a different time & different space, leaving us in a new emotion all together. It is capable of bringing smiles on teary eyes, and tears on a joyful occasion.

The absence of someone is very different from the feeling of loss. While loss is associated with what we do not have anymore, absence is whom we do not have anymore. We can grieve for loss of love, loss of a relationship, but never for a person. It is the absence of the person that punches a blow into us leaving us flabbergasted at times or completely broken till we regain composure.

Ever seen a child walking into an empty home and realizing that his grandparents are no more in the same space or a single person sitting in a coffee shop smilingly reading a book and then a tear rolling down from one eye. That is the moment when the person has realized the absence of the things, of the person that once was. He or she may not necessarily be sad, it’s just that the person realizes the absence of other person, and badly wishes to turn back the hands of time.

While loss is a pinching pain, absence leaves with a sweet twinge in heart. When you miss someone, and if someone around you asks, you cannot even mention the feeling. All you do is look up, fake a smile and simply say “Nothing “.

Losses in relationships are most of times compensated with a new similar relationship but the absence of a person is never compensated. As a child you may go hungry without lunch just because you have had your lunch always with your dad, and he is out of town for day or two. You can never even think of replacing the person with someone or something else. And even if you try you cannot.

The feeling of loss eventually fades away, it has to, else it will make the breaths fade away. But you can live the rest of your life with the absence of person who was more of a part of you than you yourself. After all love doesn’t just teach you to live with presence of someone, it also gives you the strength to live with absence of the person you so strongly feel for.

“Absence doth sharpen love, presence strengthens it; the one brings fuel, the other blows it till it burns clear.” -  William Shakespeare

Lust

“If one wants another only for some self-satisfaction, usually in the form of sensual pleasure, that wrong desire takes the form of lust rather than love.”  - Mortimer Adler

“It is love rather than sexual lust or unbridled sexuality if, in addition to the need or want involved, there is also some impulse to give pleasure to the persons thus loved and not merely to use them for our own selfish pleasure.”  - Mortimer Adler

While holding onto to someone it becomes imperative to pause and wonder as to what makes the person hold on?  Is it the person or is the habit of having the person around that we miss? Do we really want to hold on because there are some qualities in the other that complement us and we may miss them , or is it something that we had earlier or wanted to have but never got , or may not get in future that keeps us holding on. As Judith Viorst has said “Lust is what keeps you wanting to do it even when you have no desire to be with each other. Love is what makes you want to be with each other even when you have no desire to do it. “ . Hence when a moment of holding on comes, one thing is crystal clear. Only the person holding on is now present in the relationship. The other person has definitely moved on – permanently or temporarily - only time can tell. 

And hence comes this most darkest emotion of human race which is also one of the most defining emotion in a relationship. The most sought about and yet the most unwanted, the most purest and yet the most tainted. Sages have warned about it since ages, kings have ruined themselves since dynasties and the common person is always on war with this most basic and common emotion. And usually one of the methods to hold on is through lust. And sadly people would hang on the other as if increase of appetite had grown, by what it fed on.

When the water has actually flown away below our feet, we still sometimes long for the feel of it. Among all the senses the easiest to please is of touch. In a way fulfilling of this sense brings along with it others forms too- visual, vocal and sometimes platonic too. As Bhuddha said “Of all the worldly passions, lust is the most intense. All other worldly passions seem to follow in its train.

 Strange as it may seem this is one emotion that consumes a strong relationship between two not always by too much want of it, but sometimes by not wanting of the same too. A strong bond is formed when all the forms of association are completed. When the basic form is not completed, it is really tough to sustain though two people may have bonded at various other levels. Lust arises in the self with no or little role played by the other. And hence in fulfillment of this desire we hardly take the other person into consideration. No wonder it lies at the last dark corner of the spectrum of emotions because of such selfish interest that arises with this. But nevertheless the bond is incomplete without this emotion too. To not lust at all is equally dangerous as is to lust too much. Both consume you. One with fire of its intensity and other with coldness.

And as Alexander Pope concluded it beautifully “But when his own great work is but begun, What Reason weaves, by Passion is undone. Lust, through some certain strainers well refined, is gentle love, and charms all mankind “.